While forgiving others can be a challenging endeavor, a deeper and often more intricate journey unfolds when we turn inward and contemplate self-forgiveness. What happens when the perpetrator responsible for our pain, guilt, hostility, and shame is none other than ourselves? Research has shed light on a fascinating paradox – it is often far more challenging to extend forgiveness to ourselves than to others [2].
The article will discuss:
· What is self-forgiveness?
· Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?
· Steps to forgive yourself
Self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness encompasses two aspects: intrapersonal self-forgiveness, involving forgiving oneself for self-harm, and interpersonal self-forgiveness, involving forgiveness for harming others. Like forgiveness, self-forgiveness involves showing compassion to ourselves, consciously letting go of anger, guilt, and pain, and attaining inner peace while learning from past mistakes.
Why is hard to forgive ourselves?
Undoubtedly, there are times when our actions are not aligned with our values. Each time we act in a manner that contradicts our ethical principles, we experience cognitive dissonance. This dissonance arises because our actions go against our values, causing internal discomfort and dissatisfaction. Consequently, we feel compelled to address the situation. Since it is impossible to erase our actions and challenging to forgive ourselves for the pain we may have caused, some of us resort to self-punishment. I want to emphasize that this self-punishment is not something we enjoy; in fact, most of us genuinely desire self-forgiveness and the ability to move forward without self-inflicted suffering.
So, why do we often find ourselves trapped in self-loathing? Why is it difficult to let go of the anger and pain? The answer lies in the harmful self-directed behaviors that occur, whether consciously or unconsciously, which hinder our ability to forgive ourselves.
Engaging in negative self-talk presents the initial hurdle to achieving self-forgiveness. When we become aware of our wrongdoings, we often fall into the trap of self-criticism and negative internal dialogue. For instance, consider a student who fails an exam due to inadequate preparation. This leads to feelings of guilt and anger, accompanied by self-deprecating thoughts such as, ''Why can't I be responsible for once? I'm always like this, destined to be a failure.'' Instead of addressing the problematic behavior constructively, we harshly judge ourselves for our mistakes, becoming our own worst critics [2].
Another obstacle to self-forgiveness is rumination [3], defined by Watkins (2008) as repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings, distress, and their causes and consequences [4]. This means we constantly dwell on our mistakes, reliving the associated anger, sadness, guilt, and shame, thus remaining trapped in a vicious cycle. Experimental studies have shown that rumination intensifies negative emotions and self-criticism. It's as if we keep berating ourselves, reinforcing these negative feelings. By fixating on the negative experience, emotions, and thoughts, we tend to view our mistakes as irreversible. Furthermore, rumination hampers effective problem-solving [4]. Because we continuously focus on negative feelings and thoughts, finding a solution and accepting the situation becomes challenging, making self-forgiveness elusive.
Our own cognitive biases can hinder the process of self-forgiveness. Cognitive biases are the unhelpful thinking habits that we have developed during our life.
The "Magnification" cognitive bias refers to our inclination to 'exaggerate or magnify the negative importance or consequences of a personal trait, event, or circumstance [5]. Some individuals tend to magnify negative situations, making their mistakes appear so significant that self-forgiveness becomes seemingly impossible. The more we magnify the importance of our errors, the more intense our negative emotions become, making self-forgiveness increasingly challenging.
Another cognitive bias hindering self-forgiveness is "Should Statements". Many of us impose unrealistic expectations on ourselves, measuring our success against these demands. For example, we might think, "I should not have done this", "things should not be like this", or "I should never make mistakes". These statements often lack realism, leading us to feel like failures whenever we fall short. Consequently, we struggle to forgive ourselves for not meeting these unrealistic standards [5].
Lastly, "Dichotomous/Black-and-White Thinking" is a cognitive bias that involves categorizing all experiences into two extremes, such as "positive or negative" or "good or bad". After making a mistake, we might view ourselves as having entirely messed up everything in life, perceiving no goodness left within us. We tend to see ourselves as either entirely virtuous or profoundly flawed, making it exceedingly difficult to forgive ourselves because we believe we've committed an unforgivable act [5].
Steps to forgive ourselves
Self-forgiveness is closely linked to good mental health [6]. A meta-analysis conducted by David et al. in 2015 revealed a positive association between self-forgiveness and psychological well-being, life satisfaction, and a sense of meaning, while it showed a negative correlation with anxiety and depression [6]. Additionally, self-forgiveness has been observed to diminish feelings of shame and self-punishment without excusing the perpetrator's behavior. Individuals who practice self-forgiveness still take responsibility for their actions but experience reduced levels of shame and self-condemnation. The cornerstone of self-forgiveness lies in displaying self-compassion [7]. According to Neff (2011), self-compassion comprises three key components.
The first component of self-compassion is self-kindness, which involves treating ourselves with care rather than judgment when facing personal failures. For example, instead of harsh self-criticism over a potential mistake, we can adopt a kinder perspective. We can ask ourselves: "What advice would I offer to my best friend or future child in this situation?" By answering these questions, we replace our inner 'judger' with a more realistic and compassionate self-dialogue, mitigating negative cognitive biases.
The second component is common humanity, recognizing that making mistakes is a shared human experience. This component entails accepting our own imperfections. Acceptance involves acknowledging flaws, shortcomings, or negative events like failures as part of ourselves. It doesn't mean justifying wrong behavior or avoiding negative experiences but embracing our imperfections, seeking to understand our mistakes, and fostering self-kindness. Mindfulness techniques can aid in achieving self-acceptance.
The third component is mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being fully present, observing our experiences without judgment or attempts to change them. Practicing mindfulness helps us accept difficult situations more easily and detach from painful feelings. One simple way to cultivate mindfulness is by focusing on your breath, as each breath is a unique moment in time. Another technique is to engage with your five senses by identifying three things you can touch, taste, see, and hear around you. This will keep you engaged to the present moment. Meditation is also an effective way to stay present, observe your thoughts and feelings, and let go of what no longer serves you.
To further your journey toward self-forgiveness, it's essential to identify and recognize negative thoughts and cognitive biases. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this purpose, allowing you to document your inner self-talk. If you struggle to identify your thoughts, use your feelings as a guide. Whenever you experience discomfort, ask yourself, "What is going on through my mind right now?" After pinpointing critical or negative thoughts, strive to replace them with more compassionate and realistic responses. For instance, in response to the thought "I should not have made this mistake", you can say, "I acknowledge that my behavior wasn't ideal, but I'm only human, and humans do make mistakes. This doesn't define me as a failure or as a bad person. I will learn from this experience and grow.
The path to self-forgiveness may be long and filled with ups and downs, but taking the first step is invaluable.
References
[2] Yurica, C. L., & DiTomasso, R. A. (1997). Sampling of empirically supported psychological treatments from health psychology: Smoking, chronic pain, cancer, and bulimia nervosa. In & Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (Vol. 32, Issue 2). American Psychological Association.
[4] Watkins, E. R., & Roberts, H. (2020). Reflecting on rumination: Consequences, causes, mechanisms and treatment of rumination. In Behaviour Research and Therapy (Vol. 127). Elsevier Ltd. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2020.103573
[5] Yurica, C. L., & DiTomasso, R. A. (1997). Sampling of empirically supported psychological treatments from health psychology: Smoking, chronic pain, cancer, and bulimia nervosa. In & Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (Vol. 32, Issue 2). American Psychological Association.
[6] Peterson, S. J., van Tongeren, D. R., Womack, S. D., Hook, J. N., Davis, D. E., & Griffin, B. J. (2017). The benefits of self-forgiveness on mental health: Evidence from correlational and experimental research. Journal of Positive Psychology, 12(2), 159–168. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2016.1163407
[7] Zhang, J. W., Chen, S., & Tomova Shakur, T. K. (2020). From Me to You: Self-Compassion Predicts Acceptance of Own and Others’ Imperfections. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(2), 228–242. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167219853846
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